this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
