he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
