I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
