I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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