haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize