I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
this is an emotional support booty call
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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