what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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