my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
