This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
