Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
