My friends, they love my intelligence
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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