Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
