$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
