So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So apparently I’m into choking now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize