I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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