why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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