so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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