i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
