The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
