so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
