why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
