She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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