there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
