I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
