I just threw up on my dentist
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
