You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
