I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
