i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
