I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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