I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
