My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
