Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
