Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
