i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize