I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All I want is dick and wine.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You left your phone here
Wait...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize