I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
