I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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