I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize