So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize