I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
