Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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