I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
