420 ftw
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
