I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
