Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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