I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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