and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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