But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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