I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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