Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
