We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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