I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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