tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The best revenge is premature balding
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
