She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
