Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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