I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
