i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
