I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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