Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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