just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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