I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
