I want to walk on stilts...naked
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize