gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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