i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
