my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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