Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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