my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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