Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
