he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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