One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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