Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
